shyvana

I'm a bird of the internet. I was born during the 2000's, raised with progressively better computer technology, in an ever growing internet landscape, by a father who is a computer nerd. Then, when I grew, I got attached to the furry fandom, renowned for being 80% IT staff (only half joking), and discovered the therian community, that only existed from my french perspective as words on a screen until very recently.

I've experienced forums and their harsh grilling, although I have been able to sidestep a lot of that unpleasantness by virtue of being an animal that people know a bit less than the habitual canine. I've experienced 2016-2020 tumblr and its messy mix of fluffy roleplay, vitriolic hate from random trolls, and strangely creative satire. I even tried amino, when i was young enough to tolerate the repetitiveness of its content and its low age demographic. And yet I think it's now that I kinda give up on the wider community.

This sunday, I went to a convention in my city, centering anime. There, I met another french alterhuman for a quick hi. I learned that another person a friend knows appears to identify as a new age therian (i'll say a tiktok therian, for simplicity. I do not know what definition they use, just the codes they use to flag themselves, so we'll see). I saw kids with masks playing with each other on all four. Animality is becoming a strange little counter culture for teens in a mall goth way. Will therian be the new alternative fashion after egirls ? Somewhat of an amusing, yet perplexing thought. We've gone full circle on teen wolf packs.

Then, yesterday, I went on tumblr. The internet landscape has become somewhat complicated to navigate for me. I do not do well with algorithmic websites and short form content, which explains my white knuckling on the tumblr space in spite of every dubious conversations that happens there. But even for me it's becoming too hard, and I cannot block enough of physical nonhumanity, which appears to have taken over the space. Attempting to discuss the conflict in needs between folk who do not want to tag their content, due to this being taken as reality checking, and psychotic folk, who struggle to avoid content that can harm them, resulted in an overall very unpleasant response from folk I was probably more optimistic about than I should have.

The whole thing was quite a mess for me. I'm in a bit of a poor state currently, and probably should not have made that post. Honestly having made it probably was a sign I was not quite doing great, as it was somewhat out of desperation after encountering yet another psychosis trigger I didn't manage to avoid even with my miles long blocklist. I have not slept much. I am unmedicated due to issues with medication in my country. I have dropped below 45kg for no reason I can remember. And I'm wondering, is it worth it? Is my time online, in that sort of community, worth it. I have always enjoyed discussions, and one reason I have not left the wider community was because it was the only way accessible to me to chat with other nonhumans. But now, I am starting to be able to find some in real life. Yes, maybe not birds. Maybe not people who enjoy writing as much as me. Maybe people who do not care as much. But between getting my sense of reality fucked with, and a mildly shallow conversation over drinks, I think the choice is easy to make.

I'm not entirely sure I even want to call myself alterhuman anymore, simply to avoid the connection to the wider community, and have my own nook. I don't think I can let go of therianthrope just yet as a label, even though i'm unsure of its use for me sometimes when trying to express myself, when the word seems to take on a life of its own to mean a variety of things that I would need to explain anyways. These days i'm starting to find a fondness for the concept of furry lifestyler. My fursona might not be strictly my species on the serious level of therianthropy, but perhaps it is a good thing, perhaps it would be better for me to focus on something I find fun, more than on the hope of my writings being useful to a community that has becomes inhospitable for me.